![]() I wasn’t always the cutest guy in the room, or whatever. But as I got older, I noticed I was hearing less and less about my looks. It’s not that I was full of myself-I was just used to people responding to my looks. When I started acting professionally, my looks were always talked about. “In high school and college, I was always one of the guys that girls would talk about. “I’ve always been known as a pretty boy,” said Zac, an actor. The older that men get and the further away they drift from being young and virile, the more affirmation they may need. Men who think they’re good-looking, if that’s an important part of their self-image, may need to be reaffirmed and reminded of that from time to time. They want to drive fast, eat gluttonously, and corral multiple women as a way of reminding themselves that they’re a cut above other guys and have the power to seduce the opposite sex. They believe they deserve a little more from life than other men. They usually consider themselves good-looking and smart and entitled to love and attention. Philanderers tend to have a high sense of self-regard and oversize egos. There’s not one strict, absolute, predictable set of traits that all male cheaters share, but several studies (including mine) have demonstrated narcissism to be one of the most common and reliable predictors. And when they get there, they activate the justification system that was instilled long ago that allows them to put aside any guilt they might have and cross the boundary into Cheatingland. They’ve come to a fork in the road where the relationship has gotten bumpy, or they’ve begun to dislike their midlife identity, or they’re doubting their masculinity, or they’re feeling a strong desire to be affirmed by someone new. In fact, most men who cheat entered into marriage with a permission structure in their minds that allowed them to cheat. Dead Bedroomers, who are responding to the pain of a marriage not going quite the way they want, usually had it in their mind before tying the knot that it was okay to cheat if necessary. ![]() Now, does marriage change people and make them into cheaters? I have not found that to be the case. The attitudes and influences that make a man feel inclined or justified to go out and break his wedding vows have already cast their spell on him before he marries. For most men, cheating is like a recessive gene. If you are aware of them, you may be able avoid someone who’s more likely to break your heart down the road. What if you could look into the future and know before you got married that your prospective spouse would be unfaithful one day? What if you could see it coming? Well, after talking to a lot of cheaters, I noticed that some personality traits are fairly consistent among them. ![]()
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